Tuesday, October 2, 2012

0 A Tennessee football fan intervention

By Jason McDonald

If you’re a football fan in Tennessee, you should feel pretty good right now. The Vols are mediocre, Vandy is below mediocre, and the Titans are miserable, predictable and boring. TSU and MTSU are doing well, which is a nice appetizer. Unfortunately they aren’t the ultimate representatives of Tennessee football. But you should be happy because this should be pushing you to realize what else you could be doing with your weekends.

As I watched Jake Locker get smashed to bits early in the Texans game on Sunday, I was thinking about my mountain bike hanging out all alone in my dark basement. The poor guys hasn’t seen a trail in over a year. Titans Quarterback, Jake Locker, understands that there are more things to do than just watch football on the weekends. That’s why he didn’t adjust protections on strong side that allowed Texans'
safety, Glover Quin, to get a nice running start when he mashed him into the turf. Jared Cook probably could have slowed Quin down a bit by jamming him off the line, but he was busy getting wide open when he came across the middle as the hot read, which would have allowed Locker to hit him for an easy five or ten yards. But Locker understands that you could be hiking, working a crossword puzzle, or playing guitar. So he did us a favor by staring aimlessly into the left side of the field like a statue when Quin jack hammered him into the ground and put him out for a few games.

A definite shout-out has to go to Michael Griffin. The guy got a fat new contract in the offseason so you can just imagine all the things he could be doing instead of playing garbage football and whiffing on tackles. The guy has the dough to do anything he wants. Unfortunately he’s forced to go out there and go through the motions every Sunday. That’s why when Michael Griffin plays, he plays like garbage. He wants you to get out and do the things he can’t do. He wants to you to hit the Nashville Greenway or
check out some flowers at Cheekwood.

This credit of self discovery can’t completely be attributed to the Titans. The Vols have definitely done their part. They fought back a bit more against Georgia than expected and provided some of edge-of-your-seat action, but Tyler Bray pulled it out at the last moment with a trio of turnovers. He reminded us that there was grass not being cut. He reminded us that the car needs washing. He reminded us that we could learn the play the sitar, learn a new language, or even go to the Belcourt and get liquored-up while watching a movie.

But of course we’re not going to do any of those things. Quitting is hard; just ask any of those guys in the methadone line. That’s why when the Titans, the Vols, or Vandy line up against the next meat grinder we’ll be in front our TVs. That’s why we eat bad stadium food and get partial sunburns while watching our teams get assaulted. That’s why we walk around dressed absurdly in Columbia blue and construction worker Orange. We can’t give it up. We’re like junkies. We’re junkies and Tennessee football is providing us all the junk we could ever need.

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