Thursday, October 11, 2012

0 Jason's NFL Power Rankings

By Jason McDonald

Week 6


The Cream


1 Falcons

Matty Ice looked cold through three quarters, with one pick and a fumble, but lit it up when it counted. He racked up 345 yards and tossed two TDs, one to rock star Julio Jones and another to the walking Hall of Fame bust, Tony Gonzales. Michael Turner ground out 67 important yards and a TD. The guy’s got legs like redwood stumps. I don’t know if that has any meaning, but it probably doesn’t hurt.

2 Texans


The Jets looked like a functional team at times against the Texans, which is more than they can most of the time. That being said, they got the job done. They can’t be expected to murder every team, unless of course they’re playing inside the division. Arian Foster put up 152 yards and skipped 13-yards for one TD. The vegan beast from the errr..California makes it look easy.

3 49ers

They move up a spot because they obliterated the Bills 45-3. Alex Smith went 18 of 24, 303 yards, and 3 TDs. Not too bad for a game manager. Jim Harbaugh’s insanity is apparently contagious because the offense is playing like a bunch of assassins with a license to kill. The defense allowed 3 points and had a couple of turnovers, but they only came away with one sack. They have a license to do u-turn on busy highways.

4 Ravens


The Ravens drop a spot for playing a close game with Kansas City. Like the Texans, you can’t be expected to destroy every team, every week. But c’mon, it’s the Chiefs.

5 Bears


The Ravens could take a tip or two from the Bears. They know what do to with an awful team, destroy them 41-3. The Jaguars kept it close until the fourth quarter when the suddenly remembered that they’re an awful team that hangs out in the stink. Cutler went 23 for 39, 292 yards, and a TD. He also didn’t cry or spit in the face of his teammates.

The STINK


1 Titans

The skid mark continues and there isn’t an end in sight. Matt Hasslebeck is looking Bud Adams’ age and Bud Adams probably wouldn't fair too well behind that offensive line. Kenny Britt’s glass frame is constantly shattered. The defense is giving up an average of 144 rushing yards per game while their run game is still a corpse. Need anything else? Oh yeah, they’re still on track to blow away the most amount of points given up in a season.

1 Jaguars

The number one spot in The Stink is too close to call, so both the Titans and Jaguars share this noble distinction. The Jags have been outscored 95-20 at home, which is obviously horrible, but still not as bad as the Titans. But being marginally better in the point spread against another horrible team shouldn’t give Jacksonville fans any reason to celebrate. As a side note, their new black alternate jersey looks great. It should be easy to keep cool while playing in all black uniforms in 90 degree weather. Cool like Fonzie.

3 Browns


The Browns showed a bit of life. They were actually winning by 10-points against the Giants before the wheels fell off of this 1971 Ford Pinto. Their 65-year old Quarterback, Brandon Weedon looks capable of taking this team places. The team also looks of capable of exploding when hit from behind at any real speed. Even with the aging quarterback, they still have the youngest team in the league. So they’ll get better as Weedon and Trent Richardson get more comfortable in their roles. But really, there’s not a lot of room to get much worse. Hence the reason they’re in the stink.

4 Jets

The Jets can still hang their hat on being only the fourth worse team in the NFL. The entire team can be summed up in the last drive against the Texans. They were actually driving and could have stolen the game, except for that well thrown ball that bounced out of the hands of Tight End, Jeff Cumberland. The played better than they should have against the Texans, who lost Brian Cushing in the game, but they’re still inconsistent and pretty terrible. You know your team is bad when people are calling for the back-up quarterback whose release time is so slow his arm virtually drips forward to release the inaccurate passes that he tosses. Oh yeah, the wildcat equals slow death. So enjoy your season with Tim Tebow, New York. It’s going to be long.

5 Packers

Okay, they aren’t really the fifth worst team in the league, but they have it coming. By all accounts, they should be one of the best teams in the league, but they can’t get their act together. They have one of the best quarterbacks in the game and he actually has weapons. And the run isn’t all that bad. People can whine about the Seattle game all they want to, and yes they got robbed, but that’s life. The game shouldn’t have been that close in first place. So since the Colts were at number five last week, Green Bay gets to spend a week in the stink for losing to them.

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