Saturday, October 6, 2012

0 The NFL’s Top Five and the Bottom Stink

By Jason McDonald

The Cream
1 Falcons    
Through four games Matt Ryan’s passer rating is…who cares, he’s getting it done. While Peyton Manning’s and Tom Brady’s aging arms are turning to brittle burlap, he’s showing that he’s the elite level quarterback for the future.  The Falcon’s solid defense and offensive firepower will continue to reign sadness upon every other team in the NFC South.

2 Texans
They’re a mean fighter with great jab and a fierce uppercut, the complete package.  Even with half an ear and a concussed brain rattling around in his massive cranium, Matt Schaub can gut a defense and make you look ridiculous.  Last week , Schaub was playing Madden 13 on the easiest level when he diced up the Titans. Oh yeah, they also have the best running back tandum in the game, coupled with a defense that will literally make fun of you while punching you in the face.  So pick your poison.

3 Ravens
Even with an aging maniac hanging out at linebacker, the Ravens have consistently proven that they belong in the mix.  Joe Flacco is having an okay season.  Ray Rice is having on okay season.  Apparently a lot of okay makes for one of the best teams in the NFL.  

4 49ers
The loss to the Vikings was probably the best thing to happen to a team that should be a contender throughout the season.  There’s a feeling that the 49ers could have the most mediocre team in the NFL and Jim Harbaugh, fueled by arrogance, rage, and a tinge of insanity, could still make a push in the playoffs.

5 Bears
The Bears are floating to success on the tears of Jay Cutler.  I only put them above the Eagles and Cardinals because Cutler’s tantrums and teammate bashing are less of a detriment than the Cardinals weak offensive line and Michael Vick getting smeared across Lincoln Financial Field every Sunday.  They showed a lot of spirit in the game against the Cowboys.  Either that or Tony Romo makes very bad decisions. It’s probably the Romo thing.


1 Browns
Brandon Weedon, the Browns 50-year old rookie Quarterback has a great career and a lot of big plays ahead of him as long as he doesn’t drop the handoffs to Trent Richardson.  Trent Richardson has all the potential in world to make the Browns as good as Barry Sanders made the Lions. Easily the worst team in the AFC, they get my early vote for the first pick of the draft. 

2 Titans
The Titans have magical talent. Before the season starts they have one of the best receiving corps in the league.  Chris Johnson gained 800lbs of pure muscle and is destined to get back on track.  And with the addition of Kamerion Wimbley, the defensive line is going to wreak havoc and lead the team to the playoffs.  Then the season starts and ABRACADABRA, they’re garbage.  They’re currently on pace to allow more points than any team in history.

3 Jaguars
Blaine Gabbert is a graceful deer stuck in the headlights of any half-decent defense.  He’s ranked 31 in passing yards and his only hope is that Maurice Jones-Drew will win them enough games to take them out of contention for taking a quarterback in the draft good enough to take his job.   The defense isn’t terrible, but teams have to score points in order to win games in our great year of 2012.

4 Jets
Mark Sanchez can make any throw.  Mark Sanchez can also make any throw look like a poor decision.  The Jets are a deflated punching bag for a market that loves to batter a deflated punching bag like no other.  Tim Tebow’s optimism couldn’t be more out of place if were worn by an aging stripper.  But it’s going to take more than eternal optimism to bring the Jets back from the brink.  They aren’t doing anything particularly well and their best player is out for the season. Who would have guessed that a Rex Ryan coached team is in desperate need of an identity?

5 Colts
They’re probably the worst team that could be a good team sooner rather than later.  Their stats put them near the bottom in every category.  They still have Freeney and Mathis, but they’re in desperate need of some pieces on the defensive line and secondary.   Also a run game wouldn’t hurt.  Lucky for them they play in the AFC South because they might actually be able to squeeze out a couple of wins from the worst conference in the league. 


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