Friday, November 2, 2012

0 Jason's NFL Power Rankings

By Jason McDonald 

The Cream

1 Falcons

The Falcons replaced Michael Vick with Matty Ice and never turned back. But they did turn their attention towards Philadelphia in week eight, and ran over Vick while they were there. The Falcons are flying high and the Eagles are crashing. Now you have a bird metaphor. I hope you’re happy. Next up is the Dallas Interceptions (formerly known as the Cowboys) and my crystal ball tells me that Falcons will be 8-0 after the weekend.

2 Texans

The Texans had a bye during week eight. They could probably have a bye the rest of the season and still win the AFC South.

3 Giants

They didn’t exactly dominate the Cowboys. The Cowboys turned over the ball about 28 times and Giants still only won by five. Tony Romo literally tried to give them more points and that just squeaked out win. But they take over the three spot because the Bears squeaked out a win over the horrible Panthers.

4 Bears

See the above for why they’re now at number four. Cutler is still a hand (not head) and gets better as the games go. He’s better in the fourth quarter than he is in the rest of the game. They barely beat the Panthers, but a win is a win. Lucky for them they have the Titans coming up.

5 49ers

The 49ers fought their way back on the list after decimating the Cardinals. After the game Jim Harbaugh said that the past criticism of Alex Smith was coming from a bunch of jive turkey gobblers. He proceeded to kill a live turkey on air and wear its skin like a mask to commemorate the holiday of Hallowsgiving. When asked what Hallowsgiving was, he replied that his team has to stay focused on murder and there wasn’t enough time to celebrate both Halloween and Thanksgiving.


1 Chiefs

Since I turned this in later than I should have, I got to see Matt Cassel lead the Chiefs to another amazing loss against the Chargers on Thursday night. Brady Quinn probably could have lost a little better, but Cassel did just fine. His best play of the night is when he thought he could outrun…anyone, and decided to sprint across the endzone like a gazelle. During that learning moment he found out that linebackers are fast and bad quarterbacks fumble in the end zone. Oh yeah, they also got beat up by the Raiders last week. That’s a lot of stink.

2 Jaguars

Blaine Gabbart showed signs of life against the Packers, and one can imagine how things could have been different had Jones-Drew been in the game. For one, instead of watching his team lose from the sidelines, he would have been able to see them lose while standing on the field.

3 Panthers

They had the Bears and let’em get away. This can be attributed to Cam Newton’s charitable ways. He loves handing out interceptions to a Dickensian secondary, and those poor starving cornerbacks love to eat his balls. On the upside, their 16-player running back system kept them in the mix till the horribly embarrassing end.

4 Raiders

You don’t get a tickertape parade for beating the Jags. That’s what I said last week, but the same holds true for beating the Chiefs. If they beat the Redskins then they might find their way out of the Stink. That being said, America has a long history of Raiders beating Redskins, so we still probably want to hold off on the tickertape parades.

5 Titans 

They haven’t been on the list in a couple of weeks and I have to say that I’ve missed them. After cranking out wins over Pittsburgh and Buffalo, they laid a nice egg against the Colts. If the Colts are rebuilding then the Titans are hanging out in dilapidated government housing. And this is Andrew Luck’s first year. The Titans are staring down many years of Luck’s domination of the AFC South. The Titans have resembled a bad cop show years now, of the old veteran showing the rookie the hard ropes. It’s not the worst show. It just isn’t very memorable.


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